In the 15 or so years since then I have traveled, studied, dated, married and had a child. I have had a good life. I have eaten great food, yummy food and at times way too much food. I have not exercised enough and as such I have gained at least 50 pounds. I love myself, I have a pretty good self image, I believe that I am intelligent, pretty and funny, but none of that changes the fact that I have not been good to my body. People are very surprised to find out what I weigh. I carry it well, or I am well proportioned, that is what I say to people who are surprised to hear my how much I weigh. But I also think that we as Americans are just so used to most of us being overweight that we can't tell who is, after all, if my friend is fat and she is the same weight as me then I must be fat too, and so I will just convince myself that we are both fine, right? Wrong, I have deluded myself in the past and I can't and won't do it anymore.
My weight has always been my most closely guarded secret, and I think that is one of the reasons that I have let myself get to this point, because I carry my weight well and no one really knows, but I know.
It was 2 and a half years ago that I hit the 200 pound mark, 202 to be exact. I was crushed, I had to make a change. I had tried to make changes previously, I tried to walk myself thin when I was about 19 years old, I don't think I tried very hard and I didn't get thin or continue walking for exercise. When I was 25 some work friends and I would walk together. We were lucky enough to work at a hospital that had an exercise room in the basement. I found out at that point that I was above 30% body fat, seriously 1/3rd of my body was fat, it disgusted me enough to keep me walking for months and I did lose 15-20 pounds, then I switched jobs, lost the support group and eventually stopped walking. A few years later I got married and it was almost 2 years after my wedding that my scale broke my heart.
I remember it was in January, the previous year had been hard, we had been trying to conceive for 8 months and I was very frustrated. The fact that I weighed over 200 pounds was too much and I vowed to make a change, I was going to run, running would work, running would help me lose weight and I would eventually learn to love it. I talked my husband into buying me a treadmill, it was my Valentines Gift that year, and seriously it was a great gift. A couple of my sisters and I decided that we needed a goal, we would run a 5k in July. I started slowly, running for a minute or two then walking then running. It worked. By July I had lost 25 pounds, I was so proud to weigh 177. I was proud that my clothes, some that I hadn't been able to wear in years, fit me again and I was also proud that I was able to run a 5k. I will admit that I walked a little of that 5k, but hey, running outside is amazingly different from running on a treadmill. But I did it, I was healthier than I had been in years, I was proud of myself and what I had accomplished and two weeks after the race, I found out I was pregnant!
Have you ever thrown up daily for 8 months? I have. Pregnancy was hard, I was tired and I stopped running. I was nauseated and yet ravenous at the same time. I gained 60 pounds. Yes, 60 pounds, I think I topped out at 232. That number saddens me but considering I was pregnant at the time it doesn't hurt my ego as much as 202 does. About 3 weeks after my sweet baby was born I got the courage step on the scale and I was back down to 200 pounds, 30 pounds lost in 3 weeks, probably 30 pounds lost in 2 or 3 days. I was pretty sure I would easily get back down to 175, I was wrong. I started running again after being given to OK, but I had no goal and even though I got back to being able to run 3.2 miles on the treadmill I eventually stopped. I told myself I was too tired, that I didn't have any time, but really what I was telling myself was that I didn't care. I should have cared then and I do now.
Last October I saw the dreaded 202 on the scale again and I told myself that I loved myself more than this. I sat down and wrote down all the reasons I could think of for me to change my life and my habits and I made myself some rules and a list of rewards (until this moment I had forgotten about the rules and rewards) I lost a few pounds and I was pleased. Then I got tired and lost track of my goal. January rolled around and I decided that maybe I would try the Kirkland Weight Loss Shakes, and they worked, I lost 5 pounds quickly, and then a few more, but I knew that I wouldn't be happy drinking my breakfast for the rest of my life and I also knew that the money spent on those shakes could go to better purposes and so I stopped. I had a plan though, I read "Eat to Live" by Dr. Joel Fuhrman, very informational and inspiring. My family eats better now, we eat more fruits and vegetable and less meat, and I did lose a few pounds, but in order to lose as much as I need to lose I would pretty much have to cut out all the sugary treats that I love.....or I could run.
And so I am going to run. I am going to set some goals, my first one is to run a 5k at the end of August. My second goal is to not eat an entire cake just because it is sitting on the counter. I think I can accomplish these goals, and yes I am serious about the second one, I am pretty sure I am addicted to sugar and I am a really really bad addict.
So that is a brief history of me. I plan to use this blog to track my progress, so at least weekly I will be posting my stats, it is how I am going to stay honest with myself. But I will also be sharing my feelings about the process as well. I don't know if anyone will ever find this blog, but if you happen to run across it, and feel like wishing me luck, please do so. It is never bad to have positive friends around.
And now, I think I will go see how far I can run...oh, and by the way, my exercised induced asthma, not a problem anymore.
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